Let’s Get Personal

This is by far the most personal post I have written and probably will ever write.  It is very difficult for me to put this out there, but I’m being brave. For the past week or so I have felt drained….physically, emotionally, and mentally drained.  I haven’t (for the most part) shared these feelings with anyone.  Not even my husband.  I did share some of my feelings with someone who I treasure dearly.  Afterwards, however, I’ve regretted saying anything.  I worry that she thinks of me differently and doesn’t like me as much (I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s true).  I’m the type of person who keeps EVERYTHING inside.  I never share my thoughts or feelings because I’m terrified of what other people will think.  I want others to look at me as strong and independent, not someone who is very self-conscious and anxious.  I never ask for help and I typically keep to myself because I get nervous talking to others. Honestly, there are very few people (my husband and family) who I feel 100% comfortable around. I’ve been trying to be perfect and it’s been extremely exhausting. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I need to make some changes…

Physically drained… I saw something the other day on Facebook that used the term “mom exhaustion.”  This is definitely something I learned about quickly since having Jackson.  No matter if you have 1 child or 6, there is so much to do.  When my parents are in town, my dad always makes the comment that I never sit down.  That is a true statement! I don’t like leaving things unfinished. Call it OCD or what have you, I like my house to be clean.  I don’t leave dirty dishes by the sink, I don’t leave clothes unfolded, and I can’t go more than a week without vacuuming.  My husband gets so annoyed with me because he just wants me to relax sometimes.  I understand his concern, but I just can’t!  The other reason I’m physically drained is because of my sleeping habits.  I am a crazy mom who wakes up at 2am every morning to pump. I’m obsessed with and worried about having enough milk for Jackson. My frozen milk supply is dwindling fast and it’s freaking me out.  Everyone in my family will tell you they are extremely surprised I am still breast feeding (I am surprised too).  They didn’t think I would last very long, but I’ve become pretty obsessed because I know how good it is for Jackson. Only 29 more days of school and I can stop getting up every night to pump.  That will be a relief!  So, yes, I am extremely physically drained. Maybe I need to relax a little more so I can keep my sanity and not fall asleep while teaching (I seriously did that one day). I will try my best!

Mentally drained… My brain is pretty fried for many reasons. One I talked about in my last post. I worry so much about Jackson (I won’t get into that again, since you can read what I said previously). Another reason is because I’m not that happy with my job. It makes me sad, but I’m not as passionate about teaching anymore. Teaching is such an amazing and rewarding profession and I really wish I loved it as much as I did a couple years ago. Now I think about staying home with Jackson and pursuing my new passions. I know that I would miss my students tremendously, but I need to do something that will get me excited each morning. I have dreams of becoming a published author of children’s books, becoming a photographer, and doing charitable work that helps children (what that is, I haven’t decided yet). Someday soon, hopefully, I can suck it up, pursue those dreams, and stop putting them on hold. Lastly, I am constantly worried about our finances. We are living comfortably and are in no way struggling (thank God), but I am always worried about saving and preparing for our future. I literally check our bank account at least twice a day to double check things. It’s an obsession that I need to worry about less.

Emotionally drained… I tend to look at myself in a very negative way. There are things I don’t like about myself and I have days when it really bothers me. I see qualities in other people and wish I was the same way. I wish I was more outgoing, confident, talkative, and comfortable in my own shoes. One of my biggest wishes is that I had more friends. I get jealous when I see others who are always having fun with their big group of friends. My husband is a good example. He is very outgoing, a people-person, and makes friends easily. He was homecoming king in college and has so many friends and acquaintances. I, on the other hand, have many acquaintances, but not many people I would call true friends. When I find someone I like and want to be friends with, I try really hard to make that person like me. When I do gain a friend, I do everything in my power to take care of them and make them feel loved. Unfortunately, I have chosen some “friends” who have taken advantage of my kindness, which has made me guarded and nervous. If someone says no to my invite, I immediately think they don’t like me. I feel like I’m the only one inviting others to do something…again I think they don’t like me because they don’t invite me to do things. I also don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me and feel like they have to be my friend.  As I’m typing these feelings, I’m beginning to think my mind is actually crazy!! Ugh! What I’m really looking for are 1-2 truly good friends who I will have forever. Those who I can count on no matter what, who I can talk to in complete comfort, and who will invite me to get out of the house to have some “me time” occasionally. I am in desperate need of some support from friends. I have a tremendously big heart and love giving to people rather than receiving. I like to support and take care of others (often before myself). It’s hard for me to ask for, but it would be nice to have someone to take care of me and support me a little bit too.

I feel guilty for having these feelings because my life is amazing.  I have a caring husband, amazing son, wonderful family, a brand new house, and a comfortable life.  There’s not much more I could ask for.  I think it’s normal for everyone to have a down day here and there.  However, I wish I could get rid of these feelings and live more freely. I want to have a smile on my face and think about how happy I am rather than worry/complain. I want to worry less about what others think and just be myself. If someone doesn’t like me for who I am, then they are not worth my time and energy. I NEED to accept who I am and stop trying to change. I NEED to be happy with the qualities I have and work on being more confident. If I love myself as much as I love others, I am positive my life will change for the better.

This writing has been very therapeutic. It has made me determined to stop being so physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. It will be my mission to be a happier person. When I start thinking negatively, I will stop and think about all the things that are AMAZING in my life and that I am very thankful for. As Shonda Rhimes put it…this is my “year of yes.” I am saying “yes” to becoming the happy person that I am meant to be.

What I’m thankful for…

  • My son who is the sweetest boy
  • My husband who is my best friend and loves me no matter what (even though he gets annoyed with my OCD :))
  • My amazing parents who are always on call to help us when we need them
  • My brother and his family for making me smile
  • My friend Daniela who may live far away but is always there when I need her
  • The qualities that I like about myself: caring, thoughtful, determined, trustworthy
  • My good health and my family’s good health
  • My desire to pray each night and my faith that those prayers will be answered

“Happiness comes from living as you need to, as you want to. As your inner voice tells you to. Happiness comes from being who you actually are instead of who you think you are supposed to be.” ~Shonda Rhimes, “Year of Yes”

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